On March 24, 2010, the Vanderbilt School of Engineering students received the biggest news update in the university’s history. At approximately 4:44 PM central standard time, VUSE undergrads received an e-mail from office assistant Michelle Fernandez that the wait was finally over. After years of oppression, Featheringill Hall is now equipped with brand new staplers.
Initial reactions to the news were met with excited pandemonium. Professors were unable to control their classes, and a flash-mob parade broke out in between Stevenson and Featheringill.
“It’s taken us a long time to get here,” senior engineering student Kelvin Reynolds. “It’s 2010. Anything is possible. Healthcare reform passed, gay marriage is still kind of illegal, Lori Murphy was elected VSG president despite an all-Greek ticket, Coke Zero has real Coke taste with none of the calories, and now we have new staplers around Featheringill.”
Despite initial celebrations, some students were disturbed by the latter part of the notification e-mail that stated that the staplers in FGH 104, or the engineering office, were no longer available for student use.
“Who do they think they are to keep any staplers from us?” junior Malcolm Marcos said. “This is America. Our rights to free staplers are protected not by the constitution but by years and years of case law resulting from the civil rights movement of the 1960s. This is no better than keeping certain people off golf courses.”
“I’m not sure what the big deal is,” apathetic freshman Abigail Spoffman said. “I don’t want to know what happened to that office stapler so that we can’t use it anymore.”
An independent research team has been assembled by the university’s chapter of Staplers without Borders to undercover the truth about the office stapler in lieu of recent developments.
“We have no reason to believe that the new staplers are simply a cover up,” private investigator Milton Swingline said, “But you can never be too careful. Security footage shows the stapler was last taken into one of the private bathrooms. That’s all we know.”
Regardless of the outcome of the investigation, staple enthusiasts are promising to protect and cherish their new devices by promising not to give their little beauties any tough love.
