How to Win the Dorm Energy Competition: Save and Sabotage

Most people can agree that saving the Earth is important. We can all relate to the rallying cry of “going green.” Breast Cancer Awareness has taken over the color pink, Livestrong has laid claim to the color yellow, and Gay Pride, in a joke shamelessly stolen from comedian Demetri Martin, has appropriated the entire color spectrum. For those people without breasts, Tour de France titles, or attraction towards the same sex, saving the environment and going green is a fantastic goal.
However, it’s easy to have these ideals and not act on them; just like it’s easy to slip on a “Save Darfur” T-shirt, receive compliments on your trendy style and never give it another thought. Actually changing our actions and taking personal responsibility for saving the Earth? Yeah, right.
Luckily, the Campus-wide Energy Competition provides an opportunity for dorms around Vanderbilt to go head-to-head and let out their competitive streak. Don’t frame this competition as a chance to “do our part to save the Earth.” Instead, get students riled up with cries of “Let’s beat those freshmen! Living on the Commons, who do they think they are? Those motherfuckers are going down!”
The possibilities for resolving rivalries are endless. What other chance is there for McGill and McTyeire to finally determine the best McDorm? Vandy Barnard can finally get revenge on the rest of us for being stuck with Nectar. And of course, Kissam desperately hopes for the day when it can prove itself to be worth something besides the punch line of all our jokes. Sorry Kissam, but you’ll never win this competition if homeless men and your residents’ overwhelming sense of despair keep using up your dorm’s energy.
So, to help all of you who are desperate for achievement and validation, here are some tips on saving energy and sabotaging the competition.

Saving Energy

1) Shower buddies!
This is the perfect solution for you, no matter your romantic situation. In a relationship? Spice it up. Have a crush? Impress him or her with your environmental awareness – then make your move. In the awkward friend zone? Just give up now, there’s no hope, and this actually won’t help at all. Looking for a casual hook-up? Here you go. In a fraternity? Than grab one of your brothers, jump in the shower, and figure out this whole sexual tension thing.
As long as you tell the other person how committed to the environment you are, they will suspect no ulterior motive. Unless they read The Slant.

2) Don’t shower
This is the flip side to showering with a buddy. It will save the environment even more … but will completely screw up your love life. Only for the strong-willed students who don’t want any romantic or sexual experiences. Or friends. Or people willing to be within ten feet of them, ever.
3) Cook outside
This one is simple: cook all your meals on a bonfire outside your dorm. The downsides to this idea are that it is incredibly time consuming, your food will taste terrible, and you might be arrested. On the other hand, you can enjoy the beauty of our campus while looking like a badass. Bonus points if you catch a squirrel!
4) Go for mood lighting 24/7
Keep the lights off or dimmed as much as possible. The mood lighting will either set the mood with your significant other or cause you to strain and damage your eyes. But hey, glasses are sexy, so it’s a win-win.
5) Sleep naked
Help your dorm save on air conditioning and sleep naked. If I need to explain how this may affect your love life, you must be a prospective student visiting during his or her junior year of high school. Hi, prospie! Hopefully we haven’t freaked out your parents too much. Come to Vanderbilt!

Sabotaging Others

1) Visit friends
Never plug in electronic devices in your dorm. Instead, wait to charge all your electronics until you are visiting friends in other dorms. Your friendships will be strengthened as you ruin their dorm’s chances in the competition. Some possible negative effects: they find out you’re using them for their dorm’s outlets, or even worse, you find out that none of your friends actually want to hang out with you. I don’t have any helpful advice for this situation.
2) Go on energy raids
This is the best idea ever. Get a bunch of dorm-mates together, dress up as ninjas, and select your target. VUPD will never notice a group of rampaging ninjas infiltrating Towers as long as you flash your Vandy IDs. Once you’re inside, go crazy and turn on all the lights, appliances, and running water you can find. This plan requires two things: a certain moral flexibility and nunchucks. You’ve gotta to have nunchucks.

In conclusion, I hope this article has helped you realize your potential to save some energy in your dorm, as well as how to take out the competition. It’s all about winning. The prize for this prestigious competition has got to be something amazing, and you don’t want to miss out. I don’t have a joke to end this article, so just remember what Captain Planet taught us, “The power is yours!” His less famous yet equally inspirational quote of “What the fuck is wrong with you, Fox News, just because it snowed in Nashville and has generally been quite cold this winter does not negate global warming! Did you guys not watch my fucking show when you were kids?” was pulled before that particular episode aired.

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