The Bracket Racket: Obamacares Not About Vanderbilt
Last Tuesday President Barack Obama revealed his distaste for all but one of the 65 schools in this year’s NCAA tournament by predicting that only Kansas would make it through the month undefeated. Like most Americans, Obama made his picks based solely on his feelings on each school, giving no consideration whatsoever to their basketball prowess.
After filling out his bracket many of Obama’s top aids were surprised that the President would so blatantly pick teams based on his own personal feelings. When asked if he perhaps should have considered the strength of each school’s basketball program, Obama reportedly responded, “Basketball? Weren’t you guys just asking me to rank how much I liked each of these places?”
And indeed Barack’s bracket simply indicates the amount of love the President feels towards the area of the country containing each of the competing schools. For example, Wisconsin secured itself a ticket to the, “Sweet sixteen,” by giving Obama their electoral votes in 2008, whereas Houston, Sam Houston, UTEP, and North Texas all secured themselves first round losses when Texas voted for McCain.
Many students at Vanderbilt University were angered when Obama called for Murray State to take down the Commodores in the first round. According to sources close to the President, this decision was based on a combination of, “A man who once cut Obama off while driving in Nashville, and a great turkey sandwich [Obama] ate during a campaign stop in Murray, Kentucky.”
While Obama did end up correctly predicting the Murray State upset, not all of his preference-based picks turned out to mirror the basketball tournament. The President reportedly had a, “Great time,” speaking at Notre Dame’s graduation last spring, and therefore decided that he liked that school far better than Old Dominion University. However during the actuall basketball game, ODU overcame what Obama describes as, “One butt-ugly campus,” to defeat Notre Dame 51-50.
Those that know Obama best were not at all surprised to see the leader of the free world pick Kansas as his absolute favorite team. Obama has always loved the entire state of Kansas, thinking it to be far superior than any other state in the country. Said Obama, “Kansas is just an incredible place. Those gorgeous rolling planes, the most beautiful, kind-hearted people in the world, and of course that metropolitan mecca that is Kansas City. Hands down the best state ever, I love them way more than any of these other shitholes.”
While not everyone knew about the President’s love of all things Kansas, Obama does very little to hide his feelings for the state. Obama reportedly likes to eat dinner once a week with the congressional delegation from the Sunflower State. According to first lady Michelle, “Yeah, Barack looks forward to that dinner all week, he even wears his special Kansas themed pajamas the night before to get ready.” Obama also reportedly likes to dot his eyes with little sunflowers, and keeps a Western Medowlark (The Kansas state bird) in the oval office.
Students at Kansas State University felt jilted that Obama would only pick one of the state’s schools to win the tournament. One student told reporters that, “If Obama actually loved the state of Kansas, then he would have picked both of us to win in his bracket. Its just total BS, how can he say that we’re a good school, and then turn around and say that we might lose a basketball game? Insane.”
More than anyone else though, the Northern Iowa University Panthers felt personally offended when Obama decided that he likes Kansas better than their school in the second round of his bracket. Iowa senator Chuck Grassley said his state felt personally offended by Obama’s decision. “I mean sure Kansas is nice but we do everything we can to be Barack’s friend! We send him baskets filled with delicious corn, my wife gave Michelle her world famous conbread recipie, we even invited him over to play Wii bowling with us! Why don’t you like us Barack?! Why!?”
On Saturday the Panthers decided to take matters into their own hands by beating Kansas in a basketball game. Coach Ben Jacobson had some choice words for Obama after the game, saying, “Take that you big stupid head!” and sticking out his tongue.
