Winter Olympic Sports Finally Explained! Sort of….

The Olympics are widely celebrated throughout the world as a time for all the people of the world to come together, hold hands, and try to embarrass each other in competitive blood sports. As a good American citizen, I of course take pride in my country’s near literal rape of other countries in sports that I didn’t even know existed (or in some cases even counted as a sport). Thus in order to make my nationalist screams more appropriate I decided to actually watch the events this Winter Olympics, rather than just checking the medal count and screaming U!S!A! What I discovered, truly shocked me, the Winter Olympics sports are even stranger than the Summer Olympics and their speed walking events. Here is my quick overview of some of the odder sports:

Curling: First Reactions aside (This is a sport?!?!) this is actually pretty exciting to watch (despite the fact that I’m pretty sure the only physical requirement is to bend over by 20 degrees and afford a new pair of shoes). Now I’m not entirely sure if I’m saying that because it is on everyday from like noon to 4pm while I sit in Rand or because I get to make really really sexist jokes about women and sweeping. Regardless of the reason, I find myself screaming at the T.V. as the rock, I’m pretty sure that’s a technical term, slowly slides down the ice. It’s nice to see a sport that finally settles the age old debate of what shuffleboard would look like if it was played on ice by a bunch of maids. I know that’s been the burning question that kept we awake at night for the last twenty years.

Couples Ice Dancing: This sport is surprisingly only the third most homosexual sport at the Winter Olympics, sitting behind Men’s ice skating and another sport listed below. Still I’m really disappointed with ice dancing, it’s just like ice skating but without the cool tricks and spins. Can we please just say a big WTF? Did the ice skaters feel like they weren’t ridiculed enough already? I mean really, how does this conversation go down at the bar?

Girl: “Oh cool so you can do really cool trick’s on the rink?”

‘Male’ Ice Dancer: “Hahaha, well no I mean I can go in circles… and smile to the judges…. At least I get to wear sequins that make me feel pretty! Stop judging me!!!”

Snowboarding: This was simply a great idea. American’s suck at skiing, so we decided to invent the snowboard, lobby for it to be in the Olympics really hard and then collect more metals than an ironsmith. Fuck you Norway.

Two Man Luge: Ok, I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t really understand the finer “athletic” points of the luge, or skeleton, or bobsled. But common sense tells me that in the case of the luge two men is not better than one. Two men lying on top of each other and flying down a tube reminds me more of the birth of twins than an athletic event. Furthermore this sport definitely wins the homosexuality competition. I just wish I knew how this sport was started. I can only imagine something like this:

Guy 1: “Wow that was really fun going sledding!”

Guy 2: “Yeah it sure was!”

Guy 1: “You know what would be even more fun?!?!”

Guy 2: “No, what’d you have in mind?”

Guy 1: “Well how about we go sledding again but this time you lay your body flat on top of mine and I’ll hold you steady with my peni—I mean with my legs. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

Guy 2: “Umm, I don’t know…. It sounds kind of…..”

Guy 1: “Come on, I’ll even let you be on the bottom the next time!”

Thus the birth of a new sport. At least this gives me hope that I can create my own sport and become an Olympic athlete at some point in my life. That’s right folks, get ready for the 2014 Olympics to introduce the Naked Skeleton. I get the feeling the IOC would dig that kind of sport, if the most recent trends are any indication.

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