Surviving Disaster Vanderbilt Style
By Zach Wright
In the midst of last weeks iPad controversy (extra absorbent iPod; now with wings) you may have noticed the five inches of snow that uncharacteristically fell on Nashville. Besides a few Donner Party-esque incidents where sorority girls ended up eating each other (only to vomit it back up; what a waste), everyone seemed to enjoy the snow. Now, I like watching people slip and fall as much as the next person, but the recent “Death Blizzard of 2010” as its now being called, threw into stark relief how underprepared Vanderbilt’s students are for other potential catastrophes. So while you were frolicking on alumni lawn; your liquor jacket shielding you from the cold (and dignity), I was preparing for other upcoming disasters:
- Dinosaur break out; clever girl. If you don’t get that reference, go watch all the “Jurassic Park” movies, expect for the one with William H. Macy. Screw that morose bastard. William, if you are reading this, you still have my garden hose and leaf blower, and I kind of need those back. Thanks. Now, normal weapons won’t work, so if we want to survive we’ll need to incorporate some unorthodox tactics. I suggest sending wave after wave of freshman to attack the reptilian beasts until they are satiated. Then hopefully they will leave us alone, and more housing will be open in the Commons.
- Nuclear winter. You think it’s cold now? In this disaster scenario, we’d probably have to barricade ourselves in our dorms to escape the extreme temperatures and radioactive particles. Unfortunately, there is no liquor jacket for radiation. On the bright side, Geiger counters make excellent accessories for you Vandy girls out there. Plus everyone that had classes in “Old Gym” probably has cancer from all the asbestos in there anyway. So go nuts you history of art fans!
- Mad Max style death race. Now, you are probably saying, “Zach, I doubt I’ll ever find myself in a death race” to which I’ll respond “we’ll see who’s laughing when I’m chasing you with my battle wagon”. Just something for you haters to think about. I actually believe that Vanderbilt is pretty well prepared for this one. With how affluent Vanderbilt’s population is, many people have cars, some of which aren’t Lexus’s, BMW’s or Audi’s (if you can believe it). On top of that, we already have a fleet of durable, puke and blood stained tanks in the form of Vandy-Vans. Those things have seen more carnage than Michael Vick’s petting zoo. I wouldn’t be too concerned with this scenario. Also, I call dibs on being part of A.J. Ogilvy’s team. I assume that every Australian has been in at least one death race.
So there you have it fellow Commodores. If you ever find yourself in one these situations you should now have an idea of what to do. That being said, if you don’t read this article you will probably die a terrible death. Go Dores!
