Pop Songs Cause Panic

Across Vanderbilt, students have been experiencing very strange after-effects of heavy nights of drinking. Some experts believe that the symptoms are the result of extremely catchy pop tunes. There is not yet any concrete scientific research to support this theory, however, there is evidence to suggest that songs with particularly asinine lyrics are the most potent.
For example, some students have been diagnosed with schizophrenia.
“I don’t know, I woke up this morning and I just felt like P-Diddy,” Freshman Susanna Gutenburg said.
Doctors found that many of these students also became romantically interested in significantly older men.
“I just… I don’t want you unless you look like Mick Jagger.” Gutenburg said.
Even professors have noticed something different about students.
“When I ask a question, and my students put their hands up, all of my butterflies fly away!” Biology and first name/last name confused professor Jim Patrick said.
Some students have even developed a stutter.
“In my Vanderbilt Visions group, when they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I just couldn’t stop, I said: ‘Imma be Imma be Imma be Imma be Imma be’—it went on for a while like that,” Freshman Rachel Harritsman said.
Similarly, some students’ schizophrenia has taken the form of species-confusion.
“I don’t know why they keep telling me I’m human, Imma bee, Imma bee, Imma bee, Imma bee!!” Junior Kelly Youngstown said.
Other students have instead merely experienced lowered standards.
“You and me—I really think we could write a bad romance. Nothing Twilight level, but you know, pretty bad” Senior Wayne Tredmore said.
However, the worst symptoms seen thus far seem to be fits of rage towards inanimate objects. Tom Haywater, one affected student, was unable to talk due to his incarceration. His roommate was available to comment.
“It was crazy, I was asleep and then suddenly Tom was screaming ‘Kill the lights! Kill the lights!’ I couldn’t stop him—I don’t know if my lamp will ever be the same,” sophomore Bernard Birdshaw said.
Doctors are particularly concerned about the dramatic changes in Saturday night reactions.
“It’s not like the 70’s,” Doctor Julia Patrick said, “back then kids would just stay alive, they’d really just be staying alive.”

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