The Grinch tries to ruin another holiday

I’m your friendly neighborhood Grinch, and I’d like to retract my previous hate statement that drove my point into the pavement. I was wrong to go against the Christmas season; it’s Valentine’s Day that is the worst, and here is my reason! I shouldn’t have been going after those Whos, instead I should have drowned my sorrows in booze! Oh, excuse me; I got a little sidetracked there while typing here in my chair.
If you think Christmas is really gay, then have you even gone outside your cozy home on Valentine’s Day? Have you ever walked into a human Walgreens after New Year’s? If so, then you may have vomited all over your grizzly beards. Now, unless you like tasting your breakfast a second time, then you’re probably in a rather bad mood. All this about candy hearts and giant fluorescent pink teddy bears when I go to town to purchase my wares. All the red and all the white remind me of that stupid cat and his ridiculous hat! Oh, I can’t wait to tear down those pink posters and shut up all of those loafy love boasters!
Oh, some say it’s “happy holidays” not “merry Christmas.” Bah! It is Valentine’s Day at which I shake my fist! Every kiss begins with Kay? No way! Every kiss begins with alcohol, I say. And don’t believe what that Cindy Lou Who says; I don’t have whiskey breath! Just smell it and guess!
Now, as the only Grinch in this part of town, not having a lady friend really brings me down. But why shove lovey dovey foo foo in all of our faces? Why don’t they put their effort in much better places! Sure, no human female will date me, because I’m green and fuzzy and kind of unshapely, but whenever I turn on the TV and see all these human couples “enjoying themselves,” I bang my noggin on the top of my shelves!
Remember how my heart grew three sizes that day? Well it shrank four sizes that next February! The Grinch knows about separation of church and state, well, the human congress should force people to stay home and masturbate! Can they fund that with stimulus money? Grinches have to pay taxes, and it seems like some would like some government honey! Why, I myself am ready to start working on my disguise. Heed me now, for I am very wise. For Christmas, I dressed up as Santa with his sleigh; for Valentine’s, I’ll jump a flower delivery boy on his way. What color rose would you like, little girl? Blood red?? Whorish white??? Will you be fralumping in your bed on this most arbitrary night?
I’m just sick and tired of being force-fed this pidoodly boodly each year. The couples, not impotence, but the Grinch they will fear! What you don’t know about me is that I read quite a lot in my cave, especially with the internet gizmo my grandmother gave. The Wikipidillidy tells me that St. Valentine wasn’t exactly a well-known dude. Isn’t besmirching his name rather rude? In fact, he could have been multiple Valentinos shepherding all sorts of cupid bambinos. Why, the fourteenth isn’t even an official Catholic holiday! Surely the Pope will enter this fray! It’s just a fabrication promoted at the time by that human writer Geoff Chaucer to one-up some silly pagan Lupercalia festival saucers. The Hallmark Company must make its profits, who doesn’t love a card with Wallace and Gromit? Pajamagrams, pussy whips and obligatory sex? No more of that once I have placed my hex! Whos, Humans and Grinches in spirit, aren’t all of you just freaking sick of it?
When I stole Christmas, it went on without the presents and the decorations and the singing and the food, but I don’t think Valentine’s Day can go on without the turn-a-profit mood. None of the abused boyfriends who just got their hair done will say that Mr. Grinch is really a mean one for liberating them from this horrible, terrible, unbearable fate. Nobody really expects something new on a one hundredth date. Now, my minions, let us rid the world of the red, white and pink! Those three colors together absolutely stink! Now, next month we’ll put up with that St. Patrick’s spam, and I know a certain guy who hates his green eggs and ham!