Llamapalooza– you should give us money

¬    Llamas are wonderful animals. They provide meat, transportation, and their hair can be used to make rugs, garments, ropes and handicrafts. This versatility makes them invaluable animals and sources of income to many South American peoples. That is why The Slant is staging Llamapalooza. By letting you write shit in our paper for a minimal fee, we are going to raise money to buy a llama for a family in need through Heifer International. Heifer International is an international (hence the title) non-profit organization that buys animals and farm supplies for third-world families, providing these families with an inexhaustible source of income. Heifer Int. even often goes further, equipping families with education and a support system to establish their efforts.
Now, obviously you crave freedom of expression and want to write stuff in our paper, but you should also participate in Llamapalooza because llamas are BAMF. With the name ‘llama’ having two ‘L’s in succession, people have the tendency to think they are awkward animals and un-Vandylike. Not only will buying a llama help a third-world family, it is also totes Vandy.
First off, llamas are party animals. They have three stomachs. This means three times the digestive process and therefore three times the partying. They are also highly sociable animals and can pick up on simple tricks (totally potential beer pong champions).
Llamas are also trendy. They have naturally long, thick eyelashes and wear a variety of cute coats ranging from black to brown to red.
Lastly, their names allow for terrific puns. Case in point: don’t get upset, but baby llamas are called ‘crias.’ Furthermore, Female llamas are called ‘dams,’ and when I see one I can’t help but exclaim, “HOT dam!”
Lastly, all the coolest animals have crossbreeds. Lions were okay, tigers were okay, but without the liger, they would have never crossed into awesome. Have no fear; llamas have the cama, a cross between llamas and camels. Is a cama more useful than a camel or as well-natured as a llama? No, but its crossbreeding magic is still wondrous.
Unfortunately, at 250-400 pounds and only standing at 5’6” tall, llamas wouldn’t make very good Vandy girls, but at 300 pounds, I see one making a good football player. And God knows we need more of those.
So when you’re thinking about submitting something to be printed in our next issue as part of Llamapalooza, think about the llama. Think about how awesome they are, and then think about the family that a llama would legitimately help.
For more information about Heifer International, go to www.heifer.org.

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