This past Wednesday American Literature lost one of its greatest authors when JD Salinger passed away at the age of 91. A notorious recluse, Salinger lived the last 30 years of his life without publishing a single work or giving any interviews and consistently refused to allow his work to be made into film. The loss of Salinger will be mourned by all those who knew him, though here is at least one person who sees the silver lining of this tragedy.
With Salinger’s passing the rights to his work will now pass to one Holden Caulfield who says that he now plans to, “Start making some real money off of this shit. Books are nice and artistically stimulating and all, but the big bucks are in movies and merchandising. So thats exactly where we’re heading.”
Holden Caulfield, the subject of Salinger’s 1951 biography The Catcher in the Rye is excited to finally have the rights to his own life story back. Caulfield of course signed over these rights to Salinger, not anticipating the success of Catcher and has spent the last 60 years envious of Salinger’s fame and fortune. Said Caulfield;
“Sure here’s this guy and all he did was write down my story, so he gets to be a big world renowned author. But me, the guy that actually did all that stuff, I’m flat broke ’cause I could never hold down a job, what with my compulsive lying and my alcoholism!”
Caulfield, who was an angsty 23 year old when he first met Salinger, is now the angstiest 83 year old on the planet. Sources confirm that he has in fact never held down a job nor has he formed meaningful relationships with anyone besides his sister Pheobe since 1951.
When asked why he ever signed away the rights to his story, Caulfield responded that, “I met this guy [Salinger] at a party back in 1950. We talk a little bit and he says he could make my story famous, and asks me to sign over the rights. I thought he was fucking crazy, so I did it to get him to shut up. Ten months later, any phony that wants to can buy my biography in a bookstore, and I haven’t seen a single cent!”
But things are about to change for Holden and the entire Caulfield family, who have begun to use these rights to their fullest advantage. Holden’s brother DB has already begun work on a screenplay, which will be his first non-pornography related work since 1967. Little sister Phoebe plans to head up the merchandising division of the family, and has already created prototypes of a Holden Caulfield pull-string doll which will come preloaded with 20 malaise ridden phrases.
There has even been talk of a possible theme park, clothing line and perhaps even a TV deal. The Caulfields have reportedly entered talks with VH1 concerning a reality show which will either be called “Catchers of Love,” or “Rye Love New York.” There are also rumors of a a melancholy singing competition called “American Rye-dol.” DB spoke to these rumors by simply stating, “Listen, we’ve gone the last 60 years without making a cent off of this story, we’re just trying to make up for lost time.”
Whatever happens, it is clear that the passing of Salinger will eventually lead to the unabashed commercialization of his work, which is just what Holden Caulfield always wanted.
