ECON 769: FOR EVERYTHING ELSE, THERE’S MASTERCARD
It’s February 10th, you know what that means? Gross displays of affection, red, pink and white everywhere and choking down half a box of chalky Tums-like candy hearts before you remember that you hate them. But that’s not the worst of it. The biggest problem with the chalked up Hallmark holiday: GIFTS. How do you know what to get someone? I mean, hooking up two weekends in a row before V-Day isn’t exactly gift-worthy. Or is it? I mean, is she/he really good in bed? Is it about time to show your appreciation? Before you get too nervous, take a step back and use your head (the one on your shoulders, of course).
There are a few factors in this decision, which are carefully organized in my handy dandy tool below. These questions will evaluate the cost-benefit analysis of the purchase of this Valentine’s Day gift.
How much did you spend on the last nice thing you bought for yourself?
If I’m buying it, what are parents for?
I don’t usually spend a lot on myself
… So what if I did?
How much will the Valentine’s Day gift cost you?
A tid bit
Moderate amount
A shit load
How often do you see this person?
Nights and Weekends. It’s kinda like my free minutes on my phone plan
Does Rand count?
I practically live with him/her
How good do they look?
Good enough
Butterface… but a really nice personality!
HOT. Like the blue part of a flame kind of hot
How good do they make you look?
Like a champion
I mean, at least people know I’m not gay…
Happy
How much does this person mean to you?
Not a lot to me, but a lot to my dick
I’d like to get to know them better. (Please don’t call me gay for saying that)
Jason Miraz stole his lyrics from me
How likely is it that this person in question will get a gift for you too?
As likely as Rex Ryan losing 30 pounds
As likely as Obama fixing this financial crisis
As likely as a snow storm in Maine
Do you ever want this person to meet your parents?
Not if I want them to keep paying my tuition
Holy cow, slow down it was just a few times!
Done and done.
Last but certainly not least, how good is this person in the sack?
….. I don’t remember….
Terrible.
If I were to truly describe it, this paper would set on fire because it’s THAT hot.
If you answered mostly A’s…
You’d be crazy to buy a gift for this person. You’re fuck buddies and you both know it, don’t waste your money. Instead, give them something more personal, your body.
If you answered mostly B’s…
You’re too wishy washy. Figure out if you like this person and stick to your guns. If you like him or her, go out on a limb and buy them something thoughtful but not pricey. If you don’t like them enough to make it worth your while, forget about it and stop feeling bad.
If you answered mostly C’s…
You’ve got a catch and you’re head over heels. Put your heart and wallet into this one baby and make sure it counts. You’re just one of many fish in the sea and you gotta hook line and sink’er before it’s too late.
That’s all for now! And for those of you who aren’t involved, do not fear. In fact, if you’re really feeling down, just head to NOLA and drink yourself silly. (Always the responsible choice).
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