Danica Patrick to make NASCAR Debut next Weekend at Daytona

Danica Patrick to make NASCAR Debut next Weekend at Daytona

By Joe Souter- Chief of Your Unshaven Pit Crew

Fear not sports fans, with NFL season fading faster than Bret Favre’s career and MLB baseball just a steroid shrunken testicle on the horizon, two sports will tide us all over into April: a bunch of old fuddy-duddy’s swinging away at Tiger Woods’s distant records, and a crew of imbeciles with lead feet chasing Jimmy Johnson around a track filled with trailer trash. In other words, we’re fucked. But fear not, making an appearance at Daytona next weekend, driving the GoDaddy.com car. But what does this mean for racing in general?

Basically, it means that someone not named Jeff Gordon might be speaking English in a post race interview. Also, it is expected that Patrick will have a second mirror installed for checking her makeup and lipstick, since her career is clearly founded on image over performance. That’s right, Patrick has won one race in five years, but was voted most popular driver in four of those years. In other words, Indy car fans are horny. NASCAR is hoping the same for its fans, as they have exempt Patrick from wearing the standard flame proof suit, instead telling her she should wear the same thing she wears in all of her commercials: as little as possible. Next weekend will be driving crashing the number 69 GoDaddy.com car (let me save you the five minutes, it’s not a porn site) for JR motorsports. Vegas has put the spread on Patrick crashing somewhere between the second and third wardrobe change, while odds-maker is taking bets on just how many wardrobe changes there will be.

Several drivers have expressed concern over having a woman on the track, though most say they’ll treat her like any other driver. Robby Gordon was just excited to be in the same building with a woman, though there are rumors Patrick has already filed a restraining order. Tony Stewart remarked that “[He’d] run up her rear any day”.

Dale Earnhardt Jr., on the other hand, was not so keen on the idea. Jr. will likely pick up a sizeable fine this week for his misunderstood remark, “I’d hit that”. Joining Earnhardt is Jimmie Johnson, “I just don’t understand where we’re taking the sport. I mean, we’ve all seen them out on the road; the next step will be to let Asians in, and that’s the point where I no longer feel safe out there anymore.” However, Juan Pablo Montoya may have summed things up best with, “No hablo ingl es”.

With all this hub-bub around NASCAR, only one thing is certain: APRIL cannot come soon enough.

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