Spring Break Survival Guide: Everything You Need to Get What You Want

Ah, Spring Break. Those wonderful words bring up images of the Bahamas, cruises, Destin, tanned ladies and lads, enough booze to leave frat parties in the dust, and parties—on beaches, in clubs, in bars (especially the one where you lose your fake), in hotel rooms—Spring Break is one big pre-summer, essentially. Since it’s only a week, and once you get back you actually have to use your brain again (sad thought, and no, I’m not thinking about it either), you have to carefully pack and plan ahead. Sometimes, however, we don’t always come up with all the right necessities. Thus, I give you my ideal ****SPRING BREAK PACK**** (feel free to say that in an echoing voice similar to God’s character in Monty Python and the Holy Grail)! I’m dividing up into 4 main areas: booze, tans, food, parties, and babes. Have fun, be safe, get hammered—you know the drill.

• Booze: What a wonderful elixir. But sometimes, it leaves you a bit broke. So bring your own in the car with you (if you’re flying, lo siento hermanito, but you’re gonna have to suck it up and buy it there), and be sure to bring a variety. No one likes a week of Taaka if they don’t have to have it. So, bring:
  • Whatever variety of booze your group likes (Rum is ALWAYS a favorite, if you forget it you’ll get a few horrified looks, and don’t forget a decent kind of beer—aka, nothing you’d find typically at frat row)
  • Enough coozies to represent the preppiness of Vandy
  • Coolers
  • Money for ice
  • Mixers
  • More Solo cups than you think you’ll need
  • Fake ID (if you’re underage, or just feel weird about people knowing your real name).
  • Your (or your mother’s) best hangover cure.
• Tans: I consider this the “attempt at sober adventures” part of the budget. Shopping at strip malls, raiding the Waves megastores for henna tattoos and skimpy bikinis, anything random you could possibly splurge on. And if you’re not at the beach, don’t fret—there are plenty of things to do where you’re going (or why else would you even leave Ca$hVille) so research what locals like to do (it’s just a matter of a few minutes on Google) and plan accordingly.
  • Beach: suntan lotion, chapstick with sunblock (lips + 2^nd degree sunburn = bad memory), aloe for when you forget to put enough sunscreen on, aspirin for when you get the 2^nd degree sunburn and are stuck inside playing Monopoly (bring that, too) the rest of the time, towels, flip flops, those stupid beach toys if you *really* wanna look touristy
  • Elsewhere: suntan lotion, chapstick with sunblock (you won’t think you’ll need either—you’ll need both), and whatever else you think you might not need or your mom would say to pack. What, I’m not a fucking travel agent here, you expect me to know *exactly* where you’re going?!
• Food: Yes, believe it or not, you do have to eat. Since you’re on vacay, and probably at a place that has *some* kind of tourist level, they’re jacking up the prices whether you like it or not. So be sure you have plenty of dough for food (and maybe pay for dinner once or twice for that random hookup from Bama).
  • Lots and lots and lots of snacks. Multiply your drunk munchie quantity amount by how many days you’re gone and how many people are going….
  • Bring food (or buy it there) if you really think one of you won’t be too drunk or hungover to cook. If not, just make sure you have enough in your budget to buy about $50 worth of food a day. Sounds like a lot, but remember, you’re on vacay.
• Parties: This is the nice way of allocating the money and supplies you think you won’t need when you realize there’s a huge hole in the wall, the couch is broken, the sink is spurting water, and the window is shattered—all thanks to last night’s party in the condo you’re renting. Yes, prevention/accident budget. Because even we at The Slant think you should be somewhat respectful…somewhat.
  • Enough money to cover a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad disaster (Or access to money, or know where to get that kind of loan).
  • The number to the manager of the hotel / maintenance at the condo.
  • A prepared speech to ask your parents for money to fix said destroyed room.
  • Duct tape (to fix it if it moves and shouldn’t).
  • WD40 (to fix it if it doesn’t move and should).
• Babes: Whether you’re brining one or planning on grabbing one (or two…or a few), you have to plan ahead for hookups. Cause it’s spring break, and it’s gonna happen.
  • Condoms. Lots of them. It doesn’t matter if you go for cheap ones, warming ones, French ticklers, Trojan Magnums, or the new Lady GaGa & Jeremy Scott for Proper Attire condoms—they come in pink, orange, and green animal print and in sheer, ribbed, and studded.
  • Money for Plan B. Shit happens.

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