Ask Hannah

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the first ever edition of “Ask Hannah,” The Slant’s brand-new advice column.  I’m sure you’ve seen the posters we’ve been putting up all around campus to generate buzz for this column, which will surely revolutionize the advice-giving industry.

As a small child, I spend a large portion of my day reading through various newspapers from around the country.  Almost every local paper has its own advice column, except for those lazy bastards who just syndicate “Dear Abby.”  But one thing I’ve noticed is that none of these so-called “advisors” have ever had to heroically battle a horrific illness, like I have.  This makes no sense to me, as I just don’t see how these people can claim to have the answer to life’s problems when they’ve never really had any problems of their own.

So, this year, I’ve decided to rectify this situation by offering my own guidance and support to anyone who wants it.  If you feel that you have any questions that could best be answered by a courageous little girl, please feel free to send them in to askhannah@vanderbilt.edu.

Here are some of my most recent requests for advice.

- Dear Hannah, I’ve got a big problem.  I tried to rush for a fraternity here on campus, but I didn’t receive a bid to any that I liked.  Now all of my friends are starting to pledge without me, and I’m feeling really left out.  What should I do? – Lonely at Vandy

-Dear Lonely, Wow, that does sound like a problem.  That must be so difficult for you to not have 24/7 access to your friends for a couple of months.  I’ve got to be honest, I don’t really know what to tell you.  I guess you could try making time to meet with your friends when they’re not busy pledging, or maybe you could try and make new friends who have more time to hang out.  It’ll be difficult, I’m sure.  I wish I had some experiences in my own life that could equate the pain you must be going through, but I don’t. So I’ll just wish you the best of luck on your journey.

-Dear Hannah, before I came to school here, I always had my own style and fashion sense, with which I was very comfortable.  But now that I’m here, I’m starting to feel out of place because I’m not wearing Ugg boots and North Face jackets all the time.  I don’t want to cave in and be part of the crowd, but I don’t feel relaxed in my own clothes anymore.  What should I do?  — Suffering for Fashion

- Dear Suffering, Huh, that sure is quite a dilemma.  I can’t say that I’ve ever had a similar experience, though.  As a young child who’s been battling cancer for the majority of her life, I’ve pretty much always fit in everywhere I’ve gone.  I guess that you’ll just have to decide for yourself whether it’s better to go with the flow or to retain your individuality.  Both sides have their own benefits.  The important thing is that you feel comfortable and confident in your clothing.  At least I think it is. Personally, I never worried too much about my clothes while I was battling cancer.  I guess I was preoccupied by the cancer.  Good luck with your fashion issue though…

-Dear Hannah, I’ve got a huge problem to deal with.  I broke up with my boyfriend two months ago.  We hadn’t talked much until last Friday, when he came up to me at a party and said he wanted to get back together.  Last time he cheated on me and stole my credit card, but I think he’s really changed, Hannah, and I want to give him another chance, but my friends say I shouldn’t.  What do you think, Hannah?  -Second Chances

-Dear Chances, Gee that is quite a dilemma, I mean on the one hand… God Dammit, I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore.  You people are awful.  These aren’t problems!  A problem is like when you have tumors in your brain.  From now on, before you send me a letter, I want you to really ask yourself, ‘Is this an actual problem, or am I just being a crybaby?’ Here’s an example of a real problem: not enough people have donated their time or money to Dance Marathon. Get your shit together.

Damn whiny-ass Vandy kids.

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