Fiber No Longer Needed Thanks to VSC

Many Vanderbilt students have been taking advantages of the free laxatives handed out by Vanderbilt Student Communications. Multitudes of copies of student publications including The Hustler, Versus, The Torch, Orbis and even The Slant have been spotted in numerous bathrooms across campus in order to aid students in their defecation efforts. However, VSC has not decided to plant issues in dormitory lavatories on the grounds that those areas may be toxic waste hazards especially in the vicinity of the Kissam Quadrangle.

One freshman pooper commented, “The new commons toilets are pretty nice, but I was expecting a lot more from Vanderbilt to help facilitate my bowels. The model dorm room on my visit had complementary laxatives in it. I was pretty disappointed to find that we didn’t get those. But now that VSC has been providing us with these newspapers, I’ve had a lot easier time taking care of business.”

“The newspapers seem to be the most common in Sarratt,” an engineering sophomore added, “but they’re best put to use in Featheringill. I eat at the pub every day, sometimes for dinner too, so that really clogs up the pipes. The editorials in The Hustler are the best for cleaning the plumbing, but when I read The Slant, it really scrubs the bubbles. And I thought crosswords and The Slant were only useful in class! Wow, was I wrong!!”

Some researchers at the Vanderbilt Medical Center have been weary to endorse the laxative properties of VSC publications citing such health risks upon as brain freeze, inexplicable rage and in the case of The Slant, an erection lasting longer than four hours. Many students, though aware of the risks, refuse to weigh them against the benefits.

“I mean, those papers are always going to be on those bathroom floors,” Senior Henrik von Kokkenblokken said, “and there’s no other time I’m going to read those papers. Why not kill two birds with one stone? Well, killing birds while dropping stones that is.”

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