Towers RA Caught Kicking Puppies on West End

Well….not really.  But we would like you to think so.  You are probably only going to remember the headline anyway, so feel free to spread that rumor around.  Only YOU can destroy someone’s reputation.

But, seriously, Vanderbilt Resident Advisors have been on a rampage recently.  RAs have been breaking up parties and dishing out warnings like it’s their job.  Upperclassmen have reported feeling 53% more annoyed by dorm rules and regulations over the past month, due, in part, to an upsurge in RA strictness.  With finals approaching, RAs have become less tolerant of  loud music, yelling, and “getting crunk with my boys,” as one fraternity member put it.

As winter grows steadily closer to Nashville, Vanderbilt students have found themselves getting lazier and less likely to leave their rooms on weekends to party; indeed, dorm room parties in November were up 13% over parties in October.  Some students hoped that RAs would empathize with their dilemma, but to no avail.  ”It’s just too flippin’ cold!” a Freshman at the Commons stated, “It’s ridiculous to ask us to leave our dorm rooms in this weather.  This dress was not tailored to be worn in temperatures under fifty degrees!”

Students have even hypothesized that RAs are, in fact, a highly evolved, super-annoying race of human beings who are impervious to cold temperatures or heartfelt groveling.  Students also say that RAs are trained to smell fear and have a sixth sense that detects lies.  Although the Slant can neither confirm nor deny the validity of these rumors, these stories demonstrate the community of fear being created by campus RAs.  When questioned about these rumors, a Towers RA exclaimed, “Wait, how did you get up here? This is the tenth floor!”

In conclusion, we at the Slant would like to emphasize that in no way are your RAs evil zombies who prey on fun and happiness.  This is (probably)  not true (although in Kissam, who knows?).

*All stats taken from a Hustler survey which discovered that 69% of all percentages are made up.

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