The Slant vs. The Mayans

I know what you’re thinking: “Hmmmm….what could a clever little newspaper like the Slant possibly have against the Mesoamerican civilization noted for the only known fully developed written language of the pre-Columbian Americas?”  Well, if you have been around a movie theater lately, you may have heard of a little movie called “2012.”  And, if you have been willing to give up your first born child, you may have been able to afford a ticket to see it.

The movie is based on the ancient Mayan prediction that a series of cataclysmic events will cause the destruction of the world on December 23, 2012.  (SPOILER ALERT) The plot revolves around a divorced couple, their two kids, and the mother’s new boyfriend who mainly serves as the family’s pilot chauffeur before getting conveniently killed off later in the movie.  They miraculously manage to survive the crumbling of Los Angeles, the eruption of Yellowstone, the destruction of Las Vegas, a plane crash in the Himalayas, and massive super tidal waves higher than the Himalayas.  Sounds awesome, right?  Well, let me be the first to inform you that if you expect a dramatic masterpiece, you will be severely disappointed.  Little-to-no character development…several random side plots which eventually converge…predictable ending….you get the picture.  Other than the earth-shattering special effects (literally and figuratively), the movie is a cinematic disaster; however, the entire time, one cannot help but think that it’s all the Mayans fault.  Which comes back to the issue at hand: what’s your beef with the Mayans?

Timing.  That’s what it comes down to.  They could not have picked a worse time to schedule their damn apocalypse.  Two main (alliterative) reasons: Christmas and college.

December 23.  Christmas Eve Eve.  The Mayans must be the Grinch incarnate.  They are literally stealing the Christmas of 2012 away from us.  No Christmas Eve parties.  No Christmas morning.  No satisfaction of unwrapping yet another much needed pair of socks.  No turkey or ham dinner on Christmas day.  The Mayans did away with all of that.  They just want to get everyone’s hopes up for the big Christmas holidays and then promptly dash them on the rocks, much like the tidal waves did in the movie.  Those scoundrels….

However, the biggest travesty of the Mayan apocalypse may be the interruption of college life.  Even though seniors may currently feel like the apocalypse is nigh with exam week coming up, they are, in fact, the lucky ones.  They get to graduate and go on with their lives for a couple more years.  The current freshman and sophomores don’t even get to graduate.  That’s right pre-med people: you will probably have taken organic chem for nothing.  Sucks, right?  All that the current freshman and sophomores will get to show for their efforts will be a degenerate liver and an aversion to sunlight due to interminable hours in libraries.  Special message to current freshman: You will only get five semesters of college partying.  What a travesty!

So thanks for nothing Mayans.  You may have been one of the most advanced Mesoamerican civilizations in history, but you were probably the worst schedulers known to man.  You better watch your backs; we at the Slant are gunning for you……wait, what?  The Spanish conquistadors already beat us to the punch and conquered the entire Mayan civilizaiton in the 16th and 17th centuries? Oh.

Well, don’t even think about coming back, Mayans.  The ConquistaDores are watching….

Related posts:

1. Vandy’s Ranking Improves, Students, Administrators Despair Some people would argue that the U.S. News and World...
2. We came to get wasted!! In her recent article in Vanderbilt Hustler, Ms. Frannie Boyle...