Slant Obituaries

GPA:

Birth- 1^st day of school

Death- Fall 2009 Exam Week

GPA passed away this week in Central library. The causes of death include frustration, lack of sleep, and engineering. GPA was last heard screaming after the last Economics Exam “What the fuck is a flow chart?!” GPA is survived by more relative skills in the college life, including its cousin Beer Pong Skillz, and its brother Bullshit.

Y. Liver:

Birth- Nine months after conception

Death- 1^st week of college

Your Liver, passed away this semester after being exposed to large amounts of toxins. In attendance at the funeral were Johnnie Walker, Jose Cuervo, Jim Beam, Mr. Smirnoff, and Jack Daniels. Liver is survived by his loving neighbors in the digestive System.

Virginity:

Birth- Nine months after conception

Death- 1^st Day of College

Virginity was a proud soul, but alas, passed away in August due to what police reports indicate as “Waaaaaaaaaay too much tequila.” Virginity will be survived by both children Pride and Shame, along with it’s spouse Awkward Averted Eye Contact.

Roommate Relationship:

Birth- 1^st Week of College

Death- 2^nd Week of College

Roommate Relationship passed away in a fiery argument over posters touching bed posts. All hallmates were horrified to find out that Roommate Relationship died in such a quick fashion. Roommate Relationship is survived by its children: Really Fucking Annoying Alarm Clocks and Sexiling.

Commodores Football:

Birth: Unknown

Death: Saturday 10/10/09 at West Point

The Commodores Football passed away quietly against Army in what can only be considered a monumental tragedy. The Football team is survived by its healthy brother: Men’s Basketball, sister: Women’s Basketball, and many cousins. However Commodore Football is survived by its father Gaylord Music City Bowl and its son Undying Future Optimism. RIP brave soul, you’ve had enough beatings for one year.

No Shave November:

Birth: November 1st

Death: November 30th

Hallelujah!