Dining on Donors’ Dolla’s, Drinkin’ Jack with Mr. C

With the impending holidays biting us all in the ass, every religious group on campus is beginning to give out free food to soothe the monetary sting of buying gifts for all those people you really don’t give a shit about but are hoping that you can sneak by with giving them a crappy gift and may possibly receiving something awesome in return. However, those religious folks are very flakey, so below you’ll find a condensed list of all the legit upcoming events on or near campus that occur before winter break that are listed on the official Vandy calendar and are giving out free food (and yes, all of these are ACTUAL events). With money being so tight, we here at The Slant want you to pull a Robin Hood on Uncle Cornelius and take full advantage of the little bit of giving back that he’s doing. Give something to the person who really matters most: yourself.

Dec. 9th

1)      Thinking Out of the (Lunch) Box – Ifeoma C.K. Nwankwo

1. LINK

i.      http://calendar.vanderbilt.edu/calendar/2009/12/09/thinking-out-of-the-lunch-box-ifeoma-ck-nwankwo.100827

1. WHEN

i.      12-1pm

1. WHERE

i.      Downtown Nashville Public Library, Conference room #1

1. FOODS

i.      Brown-bag lunch with chips, wrap/sandwich (vegetarian options are available), a cookie, and a drink.

ii.      Free, but only for the first 300 people, so be sure to beat out the competition by slashing their car tires or, if they’re eco-friendly, their bike tires.

1. ADVICE FOR LOOKING LIKE YOU BELONG THERE

i.      Put on your literary cap. Alright, first pretend like you have a literary cap, and then put it on. The keynote speaker will be blah-blah-blahing about “Voices from Our America,” in which he plans to talk about non-white literature (as if that even really exists).

2)      BCC Pre-Kwanzaa Celebration

1. LINK

i.      http://calendar.vanderbilt.edu/calendar/2009/12/09/bcc-pre-kwanzaa-celebration.91166

1. WHEN

i.      12pm-2pm

1. WHERE

i.      Bishop Joseph Johnson Black Cultural Center Auditorium

1. FOODS

i.      Whatever traditional Kwanzaa food may be…

1. ADVICE FOR LOOKING LIKE YOU BELONG THERE

i.      If you’re not black, this may not be the event for you. Blending in may prove to be quite difficult if you’re the only drop of white paint in the black bucket. Nonetheless, if you wanna try your luck, be sure to at least find some traditional African garb to wear to the party so that they will at least think you’re trying to be “cultured.”

3)      Marlen’s Story: Shedding Light on Our Immigration System

1. LINK

i.      http://calendar.vanderbilt.edu/calendar/2009/12/09/marlens-story-shedding-light-on-our-immigration-system.101399

1. WHEN

i.      6-7:30pm

1. WHERE

i.      Commons Multi-Purpose Room (upstairs, room 235)

1. FOODS

i.      Free Pizza (Kowabunga, dudes!)

1. ADVICE FOR LOOKING LIKE YOU BELONG THERE

i.      Hosted by the AMIGOS group. I couldn’t tell ya what the acronym stands for, but they’ll be talking about the harshness of America’s complex immigration system, so come ready to rally against the man.

Dec. 10th

1) CTP Leadership Development Breakfast featuring Graham Reside

1. LINK

i. http://calendar.vanderbilt.edu/calendar/2009/12/10/ctp-leadership-development-breakfast-featuring-graham-reside.100606

1. WHEN

i.      7:30-9am

1. WHERE

i.      Divinity School Reading Room

1. FOODS

i.      Breakfast. Like Rand brunch, but earlier, freer, and probably better tasting.

1. ADVICE FOR LOOKING LIKE YOU BELONG THERE

i.      You’re entering the sacred realm to the Divinity School. If you’re an avid sinner, be sure to cleanse your soul before crossing the threshold to avoid spontaneous combustion. Also, to look the part, dust off those religious symbols that your grandparents gave you as graduation gifts. (As an added bonus, you can finally tell granny that you’re putting your Star of David or Crucifixion to “good” use.) If you don’t have one, feel free to steal your roommate’s or your neighbor’s, but be sure to do so before cleansing your soul in order to give yourself more time for tasty breakfast seconds instead of bland holiness seconds.

2)      Vandy Moms Holiday Party

1. LINK

i.      http://calendar.vanderbilt.edu/calendar/2009/12/10/vandy-moms-holiday-party.92438

1. WHEN

i.      11:30am-12:30pm

1. WHERE

i.      Margaret Cuninggim Women’s Center

1. FOODS

i.      And I quote: “Gather for sweets and conviviality”

1. ADVICE FOR LOOKING LIKE YOU BELONG THERE

i.      Sorry fellas, but this one may be “ladies only” exclusive. Ladies, if you can look like you’ve been battered or smacked around a bit, you may walk away with a half-dozen cupcakes, so be sure to lay the make-up on thick this morning and wear those huge bug-eyed sunglasses that you shouldn’t ever be wearing in public anyway. If it comes down to a last-ditch effort to swipe some sweets, play the ultimate trump card and tell the women running this pity party that your ex-boyfriend’s name is Chris Brown. Just don’t mention that you’re grabbing these cookies to bring back to his place, as that may ruin their whole illusion of “women’s empowerment.”

Dec. 18th

1)      Employee Turkey Giveaway 2009

1. LINK

i. http://calendar.vanderbilt.edu/calendar/2009/12/18/employee-turkey-giveaway-2009.85371

1. WHEN

i.      6am-midnight

1. WHERE

i.      Langford Auditorium Lobby

1. FOODS

i.      A whole freakin’ turkey, for frees!

1. ADVICE FOR LOOKING LIKE YOU BELONG THERE

i.      Okay, so this one may be adventurous and tricky, but you might be able to pull it off if you start planning now, and an entire turkey may actually be worth it. So this turkey-thon is intended for Vanderbilt “Faculty and Staff employees only,” but in my opinion, that is a very loose term. We are now presented with two options:

1. A) If you are employed by Vandy in any fashion – whether that be working in some psych lab in Wilson, serving food at Rand, or shining Godfather Zeppos’ shoes – as long as your check is coming from Vanderbilt University, you are technically a part of the Vanderbilt Staff. Bring your ID and a past check as proof, and then consider the free turkey as part of your Holiday Bonus.
2. B) Stalk the maintenance worker in your building who looks even slightly similar to you. (Even if that means only their gender and skin color are the same as yours, you should still be good.) When they’re preoccupied with swizzling the toilets, gank their Vandy card from them and scamper back to your room. Hitch a ride on over to the closest Goodwill Store and play dress-up until you look like a passable version of your recently robbed maintenance man or woman. Be sure to focus on finding very plain colors, like browns and grays, and plain styles, like plaid, as that is their usual choice of style. When you roll up to the turkey giveaway center, flash your card, hold out your fingertip-missing-gloved hands for your turkey, and don’t say anything other than a grumbly “thanks” before you run off. Once the turkey is secure in a freezer or fridge, be sure to sneakily return the maintenance worker’s card, as you don’t want to be a total asshole. If you felt like staying true to the Holiday Spirit, you could even wrap up their Vandy card with the clothes you bought from Goodwill (because you know you’ll never wear them again) and leave it for them as an anonymous gift. They’ll be so overcome with thankfulness that they’ll never know how much of a dick you really are.

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