On Saturday the Vanderbilt Police Department announced significant changes to the “VUPD Escort Service” which will take effect before the end of the semester. The service currently offers an escort to any student who may be nervous walking across campus alone late at night. However, the system has been revamped after so many students called in expecting to find a convenient way to pick up a hooker without leaving the vanderbubble.
John Watkins was the head of the VUPD committee charged with improving the escort service: “Well, at least once a week we would get a call from some lonely freshman misunderstanding what the escort service was really for, so finally we decided that, well, so many kids want this, so let’s give it to them!”
While the new system is expected to have a radical impact on campus, surprisingly little about the escort service will actually be different. The name will remain the same, Nick Zeppos will still secretly listen in on the calls from an underground bunker, and students who don’t want to spend the whole night alone will still call in looking for a companion.
The only real difference will be seen in a judicious use of airquotes when describing things like “Companion.” For example, under the committee’s recommendations, any student who calls the escort service will be greeted by a recorded message asking them to “Press one for the VUPD escort service, or press two for the VUPD “Escort,” service.”
To increase student awareness of the new utility, campus bluelights will be replaced with ever more sensuous redlights. When the system launches, long lines of lonely nerds are expected to form outside the new redlight boxes. To combat any potential embarrassment, administration officials will keep a bowl of free candy next to each redlight, so any bashful johns can nonchalantly tell passersby, “I’m just here for the candy.”
However, there has been some speculation as to whether or not VUPD will have the manpower, or should we say hooker-power, to meet the demands of the entire Vanderbilt pervert population.
Says Watkins, “Well, as of right now the system will operate in conjunction with various pimps in the Nashville area, but we will be accepting applications from any vandygirls who want to participate on the ‘supply’ side of our new project. If these ladies’ Halloween costumes are any indication, we should be fully self sufficient within a year.”
To ensure the safety of he ladies working for the new escort service, officials have also created the “VUPD Escort Service Escort Service,” where any call girls who don’t want to walk home alone from a job can call for a walking escort back to their own residence. To keep in the spirit of the program, all of these walking companions will wear brightly colored suits with feathered hats, carry shiny cups filled with liquor, and move with invented limps.
