Burrito Baron ‘Chipotle’ Wreaks Havoc in Nashville

That’s right folks, the moment you’ve all been waiting for has finally come. After years of planning, there is finally another Qdoba…I mean a Chipotle, open on West End. We sat down with Chipotle marketing director Beanie Rice to discuss the new restaurant. Rice began by explaining the reasoning behind the new location, “In light of the economy, Chipotle has realized that instead of improving the quality of ingredients to lure in the customer, it’s far cheaper to just open in places where local food is so completely unappealing that customers truly have no choice about where they go to get good food”. Apparently Chipotle believes that its “burrito” can stack up favorably against the Randito, famous for its cardboardey taste as well as well as its signature heartburn. However, the Randadilla and Randacos will be more difficult to surpass. Chipotle does serve their own versions, called Tacos and Quesadillas, (whatever those are?) but the Mexican versions quite simply don’t stand up next to the Tennessee originals. Chipotle has also managed to successfully appeal to students preferences in dining atmosphere. Rice claims that they have intentionally hired people who only speak English as a foreign language and they intend to create massive lines at peak hours so that students truly feel as if they are having an on-campus experience.

Regardless of Chipotle’s corporate strategies, hundreds of burrito connoisseurs made the pilgrimage on Friday for the grand opening, causing pandemonium not only at Chipotle, but also in the bathroom at the Jay-Z concert 4 hours later. According to VUPD’s crime log, several students were detained for public defecation after open stalls simply were not to be found. Officer Matt Smiley told The Slant, “I know some kids were really excited about Jay-Z coming, but honestly, pants-shitting excited is taking things a little bit too far”. As one student put it, the Jay-Z concert was just “really shitty”. Apparently VUPD was not aware of Chipotle’s involvement in the incident and accordingly no charges have yet been filed.