Welcome to the first “official” meeting of this exclusive (and we really mean that) student-run – but historically administration-sanctioned – group, the Caucasiadores! No folks, we are not a new group, but rather, quite aged. We have actually been “underground” at Vanderbilt for the past couple of centuries, but in response to the recent Hustler article stating that the number of minority students at our beloved white-sanctuary has grown uncontrollably, we have decided that it is time for our organization to mobilize…errrr…come out of hiding.
Since this is our first public meeting, we have not yet moved out of the White Cultural Center (WCC) better known as at the top of Kirkland Hall – where we rightfully belong, sitting above everything with all our entitlement – so we will have to show all of you the gigantic mural of George Washington, our founder, at a later date. As the first white president, Washington accomplished an unprecedented feat that is an inspiration to every single Caucasiadore. Do not forget that required Washington-worship begins at 12pm every Wednesday night.
Also, since for some of you this is your first meeting, allow me to give you now an itinerary of how the Caucasiadore meetings are usually run, what we discuss, and what our purpose is as a group. In general, we come together to celebrate, appreciate, and promulgate Caucasian culture, food, and music. Thus, our White Food Wangster makes a weekly run to Whole Foods Market to pick up our favorite white-colored, organic foods, such as: eggs, rice, bread, salt, potatoes, fish filets, onions, chicken strips, pasta, alfredo sauce, and (of course) marshmallows.
While we wash down the essence of whiteness with some white wine, our Technology Wangster tells us about the latest published topics discussed on StuffWhitePeopleLike.com, which serves as our digital handbook on what we are allowed to like. He then gives a slideshow of Apple’s latest electronic devices, as we prefer that company’s products since they have generally remained true to their original white color scheme and the company’s founders are generally more elitist, just like us.
Next, our Public Relations Wangster shows us pictures of where fellow Caucasiadores have traveled recently, reinforcing our ethic of spreading the whiteness across the globe, just as our forefathers had. He also compiles a list of where Caucasiadore alumni now live to assure that they are still partaking in their annual gentrification requirement, as taking back (or over) our land is the only way to assure that it will still be around for our progeny. He is also responsible for handing out over-sized white-T’s to any new members and teaching them the secret “W” hand signal, known only to insider members. In a moment of sheer wisdom, one of our past presidents made the motion to reclaim the white-T as a white man’s garment, once again exhibiting our dominance.
All the while, in the background, our Music Master Wangster is playing the hottest Indie-music tracks from bands that do not even exist yet. His playlist is always top-secret, as he is one of the few people that can predict the musical future. To spice things up, he will randomly mix in tracks from the Lord-T and Eloise album Aristocrunk. These two men are the self-proclaimed “Saviors of Hip-Hop” and have probably created some of the best songs that genre has produced in the past 20 years. They are also an inspiration to all Caucasiadores for conquering a previously minority-controlled musical genre. Besides, we all like to awkwardly stand still at live concerts while they rap about “Million Dollar Boots” or riding to the “Penthouse Suite” in their “Black Limousine.”
At the conclusion of our meetings, we all ride the plush elevator back down to the campus grounds, strap on our helmets, hop on our electric scooters, and attempt to blend in with the masses.
So, we hope that since you now know a little about us, you will be eager to join our organization. Though, even if you do not, your skin color will still allow us to immediately identify you as one of us, and so we shall continue to recruit you until you crack and conform. Besides, since you are technically with us from birth, you do not really have much of a choice, so you might as well get some free food and a free T-shirt out of the deal, right? Think about it. Once you give in, a simple flash of the secret “W” hand-signal will suffice to notify me of your allegiance. Represent.
