Recent reports have shown an inordinate amount of gossip concerning the usually forsaken dormitories of Vanderbilt and Barnard halls. While the office of Residential Education has pumped copious dollars into the funding of The Commons, the Kissam experience and the Highland parking garage, Vandy/Barnard has been overlooked by most if not all of the greater Vanderbilt community. Beleaguered with the lack of attention, the residents of these two jilted dorms have decided to create their own fundraising project to bankroll future programs. One key proponent of this initiative described to The Slant, “It’s pretty simple, actually. We’re going to make a porno movie. I mean, this would allow the student body in Engineering alone to generate enough revenue to build a ferris wheel out back.”
The cultured film’s working title is Dr. Strangelover, or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Cock. The movie’s IMDB page summarizes the plot as follows:
It is the year 2009; economic holocaust has removed Vanderbilt University of all endowment and donation funding. With no money, fraternities have run dry of Natural Light, Hollywood Disco has gone out of business, and Quiznos has moved out of Towers West. Struggling to survive in this post apocalyptic world, Vanderbilt Student Government assembles in the war room of Barnard Hall. Meanwhile, a Vandy Van helmed by a rogue driver is carrying a payload of horny freshmen girls.
Roger Ebert derided the plot for being “seemingly ridiculous” and “overly ambitious,” but he also noted, “Where it lacks in creativity, it compensates for its deliciously sweaty co-ed lovemaking.” Through a loophole in student organization’s activity fee policy, this film’s budget is second only to the widely popular pornography Pirates which is world famous for having a million-dollar budget. One student who previewed the film in a focus group commented, “The post-production really brings out the sensuous allure of Vandy/Barnard. They made the showers seem erotically steamy, and the sex-scene in Nectar really shows the importance of organic foods as aphrodisiacs. They really bring new life to the process of bringing a freshman girl back to a shitty single room. By using their tricks, I’ve been able to spice up my sex life tenfold, and I didn’t even have to use rufinol this time!”
A female sophomore also noted, “I’ll never be able to look at a vending machine the same way again. Pork rinds? Genius. Vitamin water? Artistic beauty at its finest. I was really impressed by the cinematography in the laundry room scene. The rhythmic spinning of the dryer was well juxtaposed by the hypnotically spinning penises. It makes the scene from Bruno look juvenile and amateurish.”
Not all are excited about the film’s release. One of the starlets recently fought a lengthy court battle to try to obtain a larger share of the profits on the grounds that “[her] pearl necklace and Burberry scarf were thoroughly ruined by a bountiful shower of semen and vaginal discharge.” Her attorney stated, “My client, although not emotionally damaged by the shooting, expresses great disdain towards the director because, and I quote, “Daddy would be profoundly disappointed in me upon learning that I’d be asking for new clothes.”
Profits for the film’s distribution are expected to surpass previous great Vanderbilt fundraisers such as bootleg bubble tea, chocolate Oreo balls, football ticket sales and the entire surplus of the Medical Center’s bills. The Belcourt Theater will be showing a public screening of the film on Halloween to accompany The Rocky Horror Picture Show and The Room in a rare triple-feature. Alan Smithee, the director of the film, has informed The Slant that the movie will be available in Blu-Ray disc in the book store for the price of $14.99.
