I wasn’t quite sure which direction to take this or how to expand it into a full blown article but here it is:
A few years ago, Vanderbilt University conducted a massive survey of what students wanted from their college experience. One of the most common comments was a better football team. And so, the University staff went out to solve the issue. The first idea was to loosen the academic standards for athletes. This idea was almost immediately put down when Zeppos burst into a fit at the meeting screaming “The Rankings! THE RANKINGS!!!!” This left only one other possible option for the administration: spending to the top. “It’s a great idea,” commented Coach Bobby Johnson, “I fully supported it; at first I was thinking we could just bribe the referee’s. But then someone raised some sort of ‘illegal and ethical’ concerns. So we put the money in the next most obvious place, the locker rooms.”
That’s right Vanderbilt has now upgraded their locker rooms into the envy of all of college football. The upgrades have included billiards tables, flat screen T.V.’s and leather couches. “It’s great, I’m not nearly as intimidated by other SEC teams now,” according to one sophomore offensive player, “Even when we’re losing by four touchdowns I still know that I can whoop up on any of the opponents in billiards!” Coach Bobby Johnson has noted other competitive edges as well. “Really, I couldn’t be happier, we all sit around the T.V. at half time, and let Lee Corso tell us what we’re doing wrong. I feel like my coaching has improved tenfold now that we can watch the halftime show on T.V.” While these new improvements have not materialized into any wins yet, optimism remains high on the team; after all, it’s tough to get any worse right now.
