The city of Chicago recently made a strong bid to host the 2016 Olympic games, but was eventually beat out by Rio de Janeiro, despite the best efforts of many famous Chigcagoans such as Oprah Winfrey and Barak Obama.
Many Chicago residents were devastated by the decision, and left wondering just what about their city made it unworthy to host the games. However in the time since the International Olympic Committee finalized their decision, the greater question has simply become, “How in God’s name did Chicago make it this far in the first place?”
Now that the decision has been made, unnamed sources close to the IOC have indicated that while Chicago did in fact receive some consideration, their committee members put of denial of the bid for fear of incurring the wrath of legions of disturbingly loyal Chicago residents.
IOC member Barbra Winston says, “Well sure we tossed their name around in the beginning, but lets be honest, we could never convince the world’s athletes to come there for a whole two weeks! I can’t believe it took you guys this long to figure it out really.”
And indeed, Chicago simply does not create the best environment for any athletic contest. Known nationwide as “The windy city,” constant gale force winds make it difficult to predict the path of a baseball, to accurately kick a soccer ball, or even shoot a basketball. Thats right, the winds in Chicago are so strong that they even blow indoors.
Chicago was also crippled in its bid to host the summer games by the city’s lack of a distinct ‘Summer.’ While residents insist that the city gets warm for a few weeks every July, reports suggest this isn’t sufficient time to thaw out enough water to fill a pool for swimming and diving events.
IOC chairman Frenchy Mc Snottyface says he has still not fully thawed out after nearly freezing to death during a visit last January. “At that time we has been considering Chicago, but it was just so god damn cold. I mean honestly, how could we ask the world’s athletes to spend two weeks in that frozen hell?”
Mayor Richard Daley did everything he could to bring the games to Chicago, but several missteps on the his part aided the collapse of the city’s olympic dreams. For example, while it carried historical significance for the people of Chicago, IOC members were a bit put off by Daley’s proposed mascot, “Saussie, the Pre-1900′s Sausage Factory”
Instead of Chicago, the 2016 games are now slated to take place in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil. Rio is famous for its beautiful women, lovely beaches, gorgeous women, lush countryside, scantly clad women, statue of Jesus overlooking the city, and its women.
When asked which of these things factored into the IOC’s decision, Chairman McSnottyface appeared visibly flustered “Huh, well you know I didn’t notice it when we visited the city but you’re right, all the women in Rio ARE gorgeous and they DO strut around in tiny little bikini’s all day! Huh, good thing that didn’t influence my decision!”
Rio’s final push for the games consisted mainly of pointing out the difference between their city and Chicago. Delegates from Rio cited their ability to keep a governor out of jail for more than a month, the fact that the sun actually shines in Rio, and Rio’s distinct lack of Kanye West. In response to these harsh statements, President Obama reportedly shot back “Hey… shut up.”
