By: Justin Barisich
As our very own Chancellor Eugene Levy/Nicholas Zeppos – of American Pie fame – has explained in a few of his multiple student-body-wide emails, Vanderbilt is currently undergoing some financial changes. Some students would call these changes “drastic budget cuts,” but Levy-Zeppos would like to call them a simple “tightening of the belt.” However, since Levy-Zeppos couldn’t straight-up fire some of Vandy’s lowest paid workers (courtesy of last year’s “No Cuts Campaign” incited the on-campus group Vandy LIVE [Living Income for Vanderbilt Employees]), he was unable to “squeeze out” that notch in his belt so easily. So, here are some of Levy-Zeppos’ other ideas to make some spare bank:
1) The Vanderbilt Board of Trust tries to sell the huge Cornelius Vanderbilt Statue located in between Kissam Quad and the Vandy/Barnard dorms. When melted down, the raw materials are worth at least a couple hundred alone. If necessary, round-up the 457 other random statues hidden around campus and melt those down too.
2) Zeppos’ own puppet-master, Lady Martha Ingram, decides to whore herself out for the benefit of the endowment fund. In taking to the streets and becoming a lady of the night, she decides to take the name of Martha Vineyard. I’m sure a couple of Nashville’s CEOs have some change lying around to afford a trip to Martha’s Vineyard.
3) Rent out students’ dorm-rooms in Kissam Quad against their wills to a couple of the local hobos. As an additional benefit, Kisslammed students will learn to appreciate their rooms more when the hobos take their leave on the following mornings, assuming they do leave.
4) Advertisements on the football players’ jerseys, approved by Coach Bobby Johnson. Imagine quarter-back Mackenzi Adams being renamed as the Nike Swoosh symbol or wide-receiver Chris Reinert becoming the ACE Bandage Man. Think about all the royalties the school could collect from such a marketing scheme, especially if we churn out another winning season.
5) Sell the name of the school. I think the “Chik-Fil-A Commodores” has a nice ring to it, especially when it comes with freely sponsored chicken sammitches.
6) Co-sponsor the entire University. Phrases like “Welcome to Vanderbilt University presented by Wal-Mart presented by Carl’s Jr.” aren’t too far away from becoming a reality.
Maybe these will work, and maybe they won’t, but I can’t really blame you for what you’re planning, Ole’ Levy-Zeppie. Ya gotsta pay dem bills. I mean, he’s just bowing down to the almighty dolla dolla bill, ya’ll. Don’t hate the playa, hate the game.
