As classes started at Vanderbilt University, the squirrels are adjusting to another year. There are many differences; for example, a new meal plan which limits nut consumption to a mere 14 nuts a week. In addition, new squirrels in the area were barred until last Friday from entering the trees on Greek Row, a notorious place for older squirrels to party on the weekends. However, the biggest adjustment to life at Vanderbilt is the presence of humans everywhere on campus.
“It’s a little strange,” said a first year Squirrel History major. “I mean, I come from a forest, so all the humans keep startling me as they scurry around campus.”
Other squirrels do not mind the constant presence of humans.
“I think they are adorable,” said a third year Digging for Nuts and Seeds major. “The way they walk around on two feet is weird, and the way they nibble at their food is so cute!”
However, since human infestations can often get out of control, especially at college campuses, the dean of Squirrel Studies recently reassured squirrels and their parents about the precautions taken by the university.
“While humans and other wildlife do add to the natural beauty and charm of Vanderbilt University, we do have our Chewing Engineering majors at the ready to chew through electrical cords. Massive power outages in human nests are an easy way to cut back on the number of humans on campus.”
Many squirrels applauded this preparedness on the part of the university.
“I think they are on the right track,” said the coach of the Flying Squirrels team. “Just the other day, I was scavenging for food in a trash can, when a human threw something at me! They’ve got to be stopped.”
However, a professor of Wildlife Studies has argued for the protection of humans.
“By studying their behavior, we can figure out how to relocate some humans, as well as how to keep them safe,” she said in a SquirrelMail message addressed to the university population.
Vanderbilt University can only hold 4,5000 humans comfortably, and if the number goes up, the humans will experience a lack of food sources as well as diseases resulting from their proximity.
“Many humans go hungry throughout the week as they scavenge for flex meals and free pizza at club meetings,” said a graduate squirrel in the Wildlife Studies department. “Then, on the weekends, calorie consumption rises drastically when they drink beer. We believe it is the only way they can survive, especially during the long, cold winters.”
The human problem at Vanderbilt still looms, but the University is taking careful consideration to ensure the protection of the squirrels, and if possible, the humans as well.
