Shakespeare Inspires Carnal Lust

Over the summer, scholars discovered that a painting, wrongly identified as the likeness of Sir Walter Raleigh, is actually the only portrait of William Shakespeare painted during his lifetime. The literary world was rocked to its core, yet the influence of this new portrait of The Bard would goes far beyond the reaches of academia.

“He’s totally hot. Check out the reddish beard and the lacy neck ruffle,” said Portia Gobbo, a sophomore English major. “I mean, I’d do him.”

The pure attractiveness revealed by the portrait has skyrocketed William Shakespeare to a unique level of fame, on par with that of the Jonas Brothers, specifically Joe Jonas.

“Preteens across the country are going insane,” revealed Patrick Verona, the editor of TeenBeat magazine. “Shakespeare has been on the cover of our last three magazines, and his popularity isn’t waning yet. Our readers can’t wait to hear about his relationship with Anne Hathaway and his tenure as an actor at the Globe. We even get readers asking when his new play will finally hit the silver screen.”

Across the country, Shakespeare productions have been selling out, to the bemused surprise of directors and actors who had never expected to make a profit doing theatre. People are willing paying hundreds of dollars for a coveted seat to see Julius Caesar or The Tempest.

“My sister got Hannah Montana tickets for her birthday, but I got to see Two Gentlemen of Verona at the local community theatre!” raved Jessica Shylock, an eleven-year-old from Nashville.

At Vanderbilt, students who have found themselves desperate for a glimpse into their hero’s life and poetry have inundated English and Theatre classes on Shakespeare’s work.

“I changed my major to English, with an emphasis in Medieval Literature,” bragged junior Stephano Aragon. “I’m gonna make so much more money than all those idiots I left behind majoring in Mechanical or Electrical Engineering.”

Luckily, all Vanderbilt students now have the chance to attend an amazing production of The Merchant of Venice at our own Neely Auditorium. Opening night is [insert date] and it runs through [insert dates], and undergraduate tickets are free.

It is certain that the Shakespeare fever will continue to grow. Meanwhile, reports of whether this article is merely an elaborate plug for the VUT production of The Merchant of Venice have yet to be confirmed.

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