After approximately eighteen months of prepping the case, a Rowling representative announced last week that the creator of the legendary Harry Potter series is suing Vanderbilt for copyright infringement and general intellectual property theft following the creation of the ‘Commons’ and subsequent programs.
“At first we allotted Vanderbilt the benefit of the doubt and saw the infinite similarities as mere coincidences,” the rep said. But after the less-than-expected profits from the sixth movie and a general temporary lack of income, it was time for action. “It was blatant theft and imitation, absolutely shameless,” the rep sniped. “They abandoned commonplace American university procedure and replaced it with Hogwarts knockoffs.. and then tried to hide it. It’s highly offensive and, honestly, utterly absurd.”
Complaints listed included the following: the referring to of freshmen as ‘first-years’; the utilization of ‘Houses’ instead of dorms; having prefects (aka ‘RAs’); and using Heads of Houses to govern respective dwellings. “That was just what caught our attention initially,” the rep said. Upon further inspection, the investigators were dumbfounded. “The depth to which the administration at this school ripped off Rowling and the Potter name is obscene.” The search revealed plans to have a ‘Commons Cup’, revoltingly similar to Rowling’s ‘House Cup’; a dining hall modeled directly off of the Great Hall, featuring high ceilings bedazzled with chandeliers and an abundance of candles; and the recent formation of a Quidditch team, complete with broomsticks and a Snitch. Some House Heads have had the nerve to up the ante further – frequently holding ‘Murray Magic’ gatherings, with invites sent exclusively via text (not unlike the gold coins for Dumbledore’s Army, eh?). In addition, rumors have circulated as to the replacing of pencils and paper with quills and scrolls as an even further effort to ‘go green’, clearly the code name for Project Hogwarts.
Although official public relations employees have refused to comment, a member of the Chancellor’s office, who would like to remain nameless (who shall be referred to at this point on as She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named) gave this Slant writer the scoop. “Honestly, Rowling and her crew must have been Obliviated to not have noticed all of this. Or Imperiused,” She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named mused. “We looked at Hogwarts and saw a school that worked. It exemplified diversity, uniqueness and the embodied childhood dream. This generation grew up anticipating a letter to Hogwarts on their eleventh birthday only to be bitterly disappointed. We provide an opportunity to really ‘live the dream’. We’re even considering making graduate school a requirement, so the students truly get the seven-year Hogwarts experience here at Vandy.” When asked about the lawsuit and possible consequences, She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named quipped: “Don’t worry. We’ve got more than a few tricks up our sleeve yet.”
