I choose you, Peabody!
September 22, 2009 by Justin Barisich
Filed under Articles
From time to time, I get strange looks from random people that I meet who ask me what I’m studying. When I shake their hands and tell them that I’m an education major, their bright smiles usually turn into either faces of apathy coupled with disappointed sighs of “Oh” or into faces of concern coupled with the questions of “Why?” and “Are you crazy?”
Well boys and girls, instead of attempting a full-out explanation as to why I personally feel a need to help fix the future of our foolish and failing world, I thought I’d illustrate my perspective by means of a well-known and well-loved, turn-based role-playing game, A.K.A’d as POKEMON. Hopefully, this will demonstrate the importance of all current and eventual educators.
Dunnadunnadunnadunna!!!
Trainers blairA & Sengineering have spotted you from across the quad.
Ready…Fight!
blairA & Sengineering throw out Chemistrazard and Philosophotto.
G-Pea-body immediatelysends out his heavy-hitter, Edmewcation, and his weakest Pokemon, HODasaur, to level her up with mooched experience points.
blairA & Sengineering: Go Chemistrazard. Use Chemical Burn, now! Philosophotto, confuse them with Nicomachean Ethics!
G-Pea-body: Edmewcation, outsmart them both with Common Sense! HODasaur, do something, anything, please!
Edmewcation grabs the ABC fire extinguisher from the nearby wall and sprays down Chemistrazard, effectively freezing his chemical asset.
Edmewcation time-travels and provides Aristotle’s father with a pack of latex Trojans and then tells Aristotle’s mom how to use them. Edmewcation then time-travels back into the battle and wryly smiles as Philosophotto’s Nicomachean Ethics disappears right before his eyes.
Philosophotto commits suicide out of sheer depression.
HODasaur pulls out her Big Girl Crayon and draws a hippo.
Edmewcation goes unscathed.
blairA & Sengineering: Chemistrazard, come back. Go, Fluteatoot-toot! Religiousect, take Philosophotto’s place!
G-Pea-body: Great job Edmewcation! Keep teachin’ ‘em a lesson. HODasaur, yeah, and stuff.
blairA & Sengineering: Religiousect, shame them both with Catholic Guilt! Fluteatoot-toot, distract them with Korsakov’s Flight of the Bumblebee!
G-Pea-body: Edmewcation, use Bloom’s Taxonomy! HODasaur, play dead!
Religiousect, donning a Pope hat and a Crucifix-topped staff, attempts to spout off memorized Biblical passages, but since he can’t say anything other than his own name in a variety of inflections, the meaning gets lost in translation.
Religiousect gets down on his knees and prays for divine inspiration. He remains waiting for the rest of the battle and for the next 20 years afterwards.
Edmewcation, being the only Pokemon with the ability to speak more than just his name, rolls his eyes and proclaims “I’ve grown tired of your petty attacks. Moreover, the separation of church and state happened a loooong time ago. You’re Catholic Guilt wouldn’t have even bothered me!”
Fluteatoot-toot begins to play a solo of Korsakov’s Flight of the Bumblebee.
The tip of HODasaur’s Big Girl Crayon breaks off and lodges itself in the front of Fluteatoot-toot’s instrument.
Fluteatoot-toot stupidly inhales the chunk of Crayon and ends up choking on the ground.
Religiousect is too busy praying to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on Fluteatoot-toot. Besides, he didn’t want to get caught up in that whole “child molestation” scandal again.
Edmewcation chooses not to teach them about Bloom’s Taxonomy and probably baffle them, but instead, decides to use Disappearance. blairA & Sengineering are left helpless as the world begins crumbling around them. Literacy rates drop to a near-extinct level, language reverts back to mere grunts, food becomes scarce, the only surviving businesses is prostitution, and money losses all value as a currency.
HODasaur rolls around in the dirt from a self-induced giggle fit.
G-Pea-body walks away with another victory and oodles upon oodles of experience points for his Pokemon.
Edmewcation is trying to learn a new move! He is now able to perform NCLB!
G-Pea-body, would you like Edmewcation to learn NCLB?
*click*
Edmewcation has not learned the move NCLB.
HODasaur is evolving! She changed into HODutility!
So just keep in mind Edmewcation’s power the next time you bump into another education major. Without us, you wouldn’t be half as intelligent as you are and would probably still be wallowing in your own shit somewhere in a 5th-world country.
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