Do Drugs for fun and profit

“I made $5,000 in 3 weeks this summer because of drugs,” I tell friends, family and professors when they ask me how my summer went. After an awkward pause, I go on to explain that I’m talking about working as a guinea pig for large pharmaceutical companies. Obviously. It has all the perks of whoring out your body—quick money, new friends and oft-cleaned sheets—but minus most of the drawbacks. Innuendos aside, let me tell you about how you too can make an absurd amount of money in a short amount of time—completely legally.

Here’s the deal: you screen for a particular study, check into a hospital for a pre-determined number of days, and then they dose you and make sure everything works according to plan. The vast majority of studies are for healthy volunteers so that they’re not giving potentially rough-and-tumble drugs to little Timmy as he’s hooked into a dialysis machine and “conversing” with the stripper he received from the Make-a-Wish foundation. And I mean healthy volunteers— no smoking, no drugs, no allergies, no health problems and no old people or fatties. But ladies, don’t be too healthy; most places don’t accept women who can have “drug babies”—a.k.a. liabilities. So get back to the kitchen and bedroom, because this is one workplace you’re not entering. Don’t blame me—I’d love for our studies to NOT be raging sausage festivals, or, when school is out, bizarro frat houses.

I know that you’re thinking “Oh my god, isn’t doing that like, dangerous or something?” Actually, it’s not. Your last Friday drink-a-thon was probably more dangerous than the couple milligrams of scrutinized molecules they’re sending your way. They start with tons of computer simulation, move onto animal testing (thanks, Fluffy!) and then introduce it to humans with a tiny fraction of a real dose. Oh wait, you’re also in a hospital being monitored 24/7. In the four separate studies that I’ve done—schizophrenia, Alzheimer’s, hepatitis and more—I’ve never felt anything or seen anyone have any problems. Sorry Billy Bong McThrillseeker, it’s remarkably uneventful. (Although, in the interest of full disclosure, the only “problem” I’ve witnessed was a group that collectively got really trippy dreams. But that’s only if you’re really lucky/unlucky.) And after you’ve talked with scores of people who have been doing this since the mid-90’s, you relax a bit.

Being locked up in a hospital isn’t too bad. The last place I was at— Spaulding Clinical in West Bend Wisconsin—had great wireless, a big projector TV, XBox 360 and Wii, a pool table, a poker table, catered food, TVs in all our spacious rooms and more. They even allow fertile women. At $250 a day, it’s like I’m getting paid $15 to watch a movie, $50 for an afternoon of poker and $100 to sleep. I made more money in a week than I would working part-time at school all year. At that pay-rate, I will happily jump throw through their couple of hoops. Yes, it involves needles, but the fact that you become completely fearless of them within a couple days is really a positive thing. Obviously.

If you think that you can just spend the rest of your summers in air-conditioned Drug Dens, think again—you should legally respect the 2-3 month wash-out period between studies. Since the various pharma companies can’t compare notes yet, you don’t have to wait, but unless you want multiple drugs partying and raving together in your body (a.k.a. trashing it), then you need to take breaks.

I could be like ol’ Grandpa Moneybags and regal you with stories for hours on end, but I’m going to be lazy and just point you towards more information if you want it. JARL.org (short for Just Another Lab Rat) is arguably better than GPGP.net (Guinea Pigs Get Paid) or ClinicalConnection.com, but they all point you in the right direction. Usually, you just want to find the closest testing facilities and sign-up for their mailing lists. Make sure to tell the pharmaceutical companies that Brendan Alviani recommended you, so that I can receive $100 (and, like any good drug transaction, I’ll give you a cut too). Discuss your health status with your physician before beginning any study. Side effects may include: diarrhea, headaches, other non-existent side effects and swollen bank accounts.

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